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Talk on counter-terrorism made me twitchy

Now listen up. I could be about to wipe my hard drive, so I need to make this quick. Yesterday, a counter-terrorism guy came to my workplace to give a presentation on how to survive a Marauding Terrorist Firearms Attack (MTFA), and one thing led to another.

Now listen up. I could be about to wipe my hard drive, so I need to make this quick. Yesterday, a counter-terrorism guy came to my workplace to give a presentation on how to survive a Marauding Terrorist Firearms Attack (MTFA), and one thing led to another.

Now, in your line of business, you are doubtless clued up on MTFAs. Run, hide, fight will be second nature, and you will know that cowering behind a ward screen will do you no good. But until yesterday, I thought an MTFA was a monounsaturated trans fatty acid.

Sure, I had seen counter-terrorist agent Jack Bauer in action, after a thoughtful uncle gave my boys all nine seasons of the TV show 24 on DVD. But being briefed by an actual counter-terrorism operative brandishing cool acronyms was a lot more real than watching actor Kiefer Sutherland saying copy that and patch

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Now listen up. I could be about to wipe my hard drive, so I need to make this quick. Yesterday, a counter-terrorism guy came to my workplace to give a presentation on how to survive a Marauding Terrorist Firearms Attack (MTFA), and one thing led to another.

Now, in your line of business, you are doubtless clued up on MTFAs. ‘Run, hide, fight’ will be second nature, and you will know that cowering behind a ward screen will do you no good. But until yesterday, I thought an MTFA was a monounsaturated trans fatty acid.

Sure, I had seen counter-terrorist agent Jack Bauer in action, after a thoughtful uncle gave my boys all nine seasons of the TV show 24 on DVD. But being briefed by an actual counter-terrorism operative brandishing cool acronyms was a lot more real than watching actor Kiefer Sutherland saying ‘copy that’ and ‘patch me in’.

The real life operative warned us that leaving our smartphone on vibrate when hiding would not be smart, and that when the good guys arrived to neutralise the situation, their manner might seem abrupt.

Only when he said that getting hold of assault rifles in the UK was so difficult that any local marauder was more likely to be packing a chef’s knife (would that make it an MTCKA?) did I question his omniscience.

Had I not read somewhere that even Manchester drug dealers use Uzis these days?

Determined to resolve this, I turn to Google the minute I get home, and before long, my browsing history reads like I am a wannabe jihadi. At which point, the doorbell rings.

Is that a helicopter overhead? Is that man in uniform through the frosted glass holding a taser in his hand?

Turns out that Janet ordered some lampshades and the delivery man just wants me to sign for them. It gave me a scare, though. Now, if you’ll excuse me, I need to clean up my computer.

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